Jokes thread!

A masochist was in court this week, charged with causing actual bodily harm to himself. He was let off with a slap on the wrist; he was disappointed as he was hoping for a lot more than that.

I don't have many clean jokes.
I appreciate that I'm a visitor to this board, and seeing as this jokes thread is meant to be clean, I want to get clearance first! My joke does contain material that alludes to the coupling of 2 consenting adults in an erotic scenario. If it's ok, I will post!
Sure, go ahead, provided it's nothing excesssively foul-mouthed.
(27-07-2016, 02:00 AM)bugrit Wrote: Sure, go ahead, provided it's nothing excesssively foul-mouthed.

Ok, here it is. Apologies if crosses boundaries!

A father and son go into their back garden, only to discover their pet dog is dead. "Daddy, why is Fido lying on his back with all his legs in the air?", asks the son. "Well, unfortunately, Fido has died and his legs are sticking up in the air so the angels can each take a leg and lift him up to heaven".

The next day, the son phones his dad at work in the morning. "Daddy, daddy, I think mummy's dying! She was laying on the bed with her legs in the air, and shouting 'Jesus I'm coming!'. But luckily, the milkman was on top of her to stop the angels picking her up and taking her to heaven."
No problem with that, mate. Big Grin
What do people from Burnley and ducks have in common?. They're both in-ter-bred [sic*].
Talking Dog.

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying ***. He's never been out of the garden!"
Follow The Boro   Heart
The Man Rules 

Finally, the guys' side of the story. 
We always hear "the rules" From the female side. 

Now here are the rules from the male side. 

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " 

1. Men are NOT mind readers. 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 
We need it up, you need it down. 
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. 
Let it be. 

1. Crying is blackmail. 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work! 
Strong hints do not work! 
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it! 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. 
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. 
Don't ask us. 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, 

we meant the other one 

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both. 
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour, Pumpkin is also a fruit. . 
We have no idea what mauve is. 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. 
We do that. 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, 
Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics 
as football or motor sports 

1. You have enough clothes. 

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 

1. Thank you for reading this. 
Yes, I know, I will have to sleep on the couch tonight; 

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. 

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh. 

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh!!
Scientists claim whales need circumcision.
Because barnacles, limpets etc are growing around their penis'

They are now employiung four skin divers.

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