Jokes thread!

Military Humour.

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has levelled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently,: in a loud voice, "Admiral, Royal Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, Fleet Air Arm, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant,  Royal Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Certainly not," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for £5?"
Soldier: "Sure, mate."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
Do you have change for £5?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

A Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barber’s. They were both just getting to the end of their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"
The Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy boss to the bewildered sailor, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Sir!" the sailor replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in a queue again!"

and finally this one which is so daft.
A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey  Mouse!    Mickey Mouse!"

A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.

As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"

'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout

"Donald, duck!"
In Braithwaite & Co we trust.

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